What if it is too late for everything?
What if what we have is really now?
~Genta Spaho

Speaking up is not really me. I could not describe things in my heart really well. I choose to be silent and disappear from anyone’s life.

I remember that I was so angry to someone I trust, I was so disappointed and then that’s it. I lost her. I did not say anything nor try to communicate nor try to see what is the beauty things that her soul has given me.
As I looked back, I realised that it was a poor communication that we have. Her misjudgement and my ignorance were something that we did not discuss kindly. I kept on thinking that everything was fine and it was good for her career so I ignored her objection. Yet, she thought that I was ‘using’ her to do the works. Therefore, it was hard to see the beauties in everything.

Was it too late to speak to her? Yes. She’s gone. We were separated already. She left with full of hatred while I’m moving on by crossing her name from my mind. If only that time I could really spend my time just to listen to her ranting. If only that time she could really say what was in her head. We might still have a good communication.

Another story was about my closest person that I dear the most. I have been trying to be away from his life and doing some healing as his action hurt me so bad. As much as I expect him to do things that are supposedly be done, I knew that he has his own decision and life. Expectation towards other people kills. I was about to let this good and loving relationship swift away as well. I do believe he does not deserve me. I have clearly forgiven him and ready to accept whatever things happen.

Until last week.
When I heard about what if it is too late for everything? What if what we have is really now? What if I really lost him? What if we will not meet again in this life? What if he is really gone? And too many what ifs.
And I found out,
I.just.can.not.

I love him. Right now, this is the only life where I can meet him, talk to him and love him as it should be. So, that’s how it is a fresh start for me to speak up, to say what I want to say, to express the love that I have, to forgive. Because, we will not escape from this life alive anyway, what if what we have is only now? Live your life up to the fullest.

Embrace the present. It is the present from God to you. Be present at present.

This post is dedicated to my lovely coach : Vanessa Strasser who helped me a lot to discover myself. Thank you for the awesome two weeks ❤️
Lots of love to you!
Also to my loving group in wherever part of the world you are : Angel, Genta, Mark and Lori.
For everyone with the encouraging and inspiring story in VD 8 Discovery : Thank you all.

Kampung Karst Rammang Rammang
South Celebes
October 2020